I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. - Wizard of Oz

I'm counting down the days until graduation. 15 days! Yippee! I haven't been to class since February...and haven't had any papers due. But still. I'm finally walking across the stage and getting my degree with Summa Cum Laude honors. (I have to mention it everytime because my crackhead school doesn't put it on the diploma. But it's on the program I'm told...as if that will appease me. I can't frame the program, genius. Sigh, my competent school administration does it again.) Note to self, find someone who can write calligraphy.

The biggest problem?

And I think I've forgotten everything I've learned.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was procrastination on an expert level. I could wait to write a paper until the last day. Then have a bottle of wine and crank out a paper between 9pm-2am the night before. That's skillz. And I do it well. Nothing like pressure, booze and chaos to bring out the creative side.

Do I do that in real life? No. I plan meticulously. When I go on vacation, I am so anal that I make sure that I pack two pairs of underwear per day. One for the day, the second to sleep in. Then the cycle starts over. I have a pair of shoes to match each outfit. My Paris Hilton gold Guess heels are still in the trunk of my car...I never got to wear them last weekend. And they're hot.

We went to the Hill Country for a motorcycle rally. It was fun...but really chilly. I come bouncing out of the hotel room with a cute irish green tank top, white eyelet shorts, a green Notre Dame ballcap and my green striped Holly socks. It was a bitchin outfit. I looked adorable...and about 5 years younger. The guy I was riding with said "NO"...go change into something warmer.

I'm glad I did. Cuteness factor does not matter when you are doing 70-80 mph on the back of a Heritage Harley. Brrrrr.....and the wind whipping my face made me almost cancel my next micropeel appointment. The wind on the open road took care of any exfoliation needed on my face that day.

There were a lot of bikes out that day. There was a group called Dykes on Bikes. Not sure if that's the real term for the group, but that's what everyone called them. I have to admit, one chick had a really cute pink bike with a perfectly coordinated outfit and helmet. She was total coolness.

So now, Mike wants a bike. I'm all for it. I want one too. But I don't even know where to start. So I'll wait for someone to come along and do the research and picking out for me. Namely, Mike. It's his job.

So randomly before I close this post...have any of you noticed the stupid ads on Myspace? Wait, that's a vague statement...let me narrow that down, the Match.com ads. When you send an email, post a bulletin or logout, there's a 'video' ad for Match.com. Have you ever actually watched it? I did...mainly for curiosity to see how long the guy was going to act stuff out. There's one guy who is dressed in scrubs and looking at the camera (you) and writing stuff down on his little tablet at leering the whole time, probably writing down your measurements. But if you are sitting at your desk, how does he know you're not an 'iceburg'?

So anyway, then he walks up to the screen and does the head to toe look, and it's NOT sexy. It's creepy. I wouldn't want to date this guy if I saw him anywhere doing this, or just anywhere in general. He's the Match.com guy. Ew.

So he does his catwalk strut, and foodles (yes, I said foodle) with his stethoscope. It made me feel uncomfortable watching it because it was kind of painful. I had to close one eye in shame. I mean, how BAD is this guy's agent that he gets this gig? When he goes out he's known as the Match.com guy playing "doctor". I felt bad for him. It's like being in those genital herpes commercials. Bad move, bad agent, then again, he's a bad actor. Soap operas have better actors.

I saw him again on one of the Match.com ads, but this time he was a musician. Whoa buddy! You are versatile! A doctor AND a musician? Where do I sign up? It reminded me of that 40 year old Bowflex guy who's a professional during the day and rockstar at night. I still don't have a Bowflex, so I guess the commercial didn't work. Which may be why I don't have a Bowflex body either.

But the Match.com guy had eyeliner on and it made him blink a lot. Reminded me of Zoolander. Now watch, you will ALL log in to Myspace and log out just to see the guy. There are a couple different ones, so you may not run across the Ben Stiller looking guy that I've been saddled with. Happy hunting!

Canine Conundrum

I almost got eaten this weekend. And before you get all dirrrty...lemme explain.

When I was little, I used to ride my bike to my friends house. We lived out in the country, so it was no big deal to let your animals roam freely. There was enough room. There was always this dog at the end of the road that was part Great Dane part Carrot Top. A big, muscled dog that had it out for me...and anyone else on a bike, or walking...or in a car. But back then, Animal Control was not the ruling authority. We just had to be lucky enough that the owner would call his dog back when we get charged.

So fast forward to Friday night. Mike had to 'dog sit' for his buddy because he and his girlfriend were in Cabo for vacation. They both left their dogs at the house and Mike was taking shifts with another friend. My first question, 'Why don't they just board the dogs rather than inconveniencing their friends?" The answer I got was because the dogs are too big, or something. Bottom line, no one would take the dogs.

Now I know why.

We go to feed the dogs after the Rockets game Friday and planned to stay the night at the guys house. My initial fear was will the dogs be okay with me? I've heard stories about the socially retarded dog, "Cash", snapping at people in the house. Trusted people in the house. Mike said 'it's okay, you're with me." Wrong. These dogs are bull mastiffs (not one, but TWO). The male is an 8 month old 150 pound African bull mastiff...and he wanted to eat me. And he TRIED.

I locked myself in the bathroom and started sobbing like a big cry baby. I had every right. I told Mike I wanted to go home...NOW...put the dogs outside, shoot them, whatever he had to do...get them away from me.

He feeds the monsters (that I now call Satan and his sister) and puts them outside and we go home. He can't understand why I'm still crying. In his mind, the event is over, and I need to get over it. I gave him a few colorful words that wold make MY mom blush and told him to shut up and leave me alone. I'm afraid of big dogs. I realized it at that moment. And it all goes back to the story above. It triggered something and I've had nightmares every night since then.

On our way home as I calmed down, Mike said something about those dogs are used to take down elephants. Oh great, NOW you tell me this interesting tidbit of information?!?! And I was a threat in the house? No way! Then he joked around and said that his buddy's dad breeds them in case we want one. I told him I'd rather have a hundred splinters in my foot than to own a bull mastiff. Gross I know...but it was appropriate for the distaste I had for the breed at that moment.

I have friends who have big dogs. Rottweilers, Great Danes, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, German Shepherds and even a St. Bernard (no whiskey barrel though, I looked under her fur, hoping). But they were well mannered animals. Sure they could get ferocious if a situation called for it, but this mastiff is not user friendly. He's gone to training but still has social issues...but I lay the fault solely on his owner. The dog is 8 months old and is trying to eat people. I'm not the first person it's attacked. Mike said "wouldn't you want a dog like that guarding your house?" Nope...I have an alarm system and a gun.

Mike's buddy needs to be more concerned about protecting his guests than protecting his home.

Pitiful Humans

I have realized that in my home, all the news stories are covered. Mike keeps up with all the political and current event stuff while I tell him things like 'Did you know the results for Anna Nicole's baby daddy are going to be revealed in a few days?" (which has a never ending time limit on it. I don't think anyone knows..not even the people testing the DNA) or "Did you hear about the A&M freshman that went missing and found out her boyfriend did some heinous things?" (won't go into detail on that out of respect for that beautiful young lady) Or my personal favorite, "_______'s* neighbor was the 'stinky body in the trunk of the car' guy" (*name omitted to protect the fabulous.)

He was clueless. Oh. My. Gosh. Is he for real? Reveling in my 'I know something you don't know' power, I had to tell him everything that had been going on outside of Obama and Hillary's bitch fight on the campaign trail.

When he tries to tell me stuff about the political front, I just ask if Hillary was wearing any nail color and if her shoes matched the horns on her head. I already said I would vote for John Edwards because he reminds me of a friend of mine, Sorensen. Yeah, that's how you want to pick a presidential candidate...by how closely they resemble your friends. If that's the case, we should have some really hot candidates running amuck. Write In Candidacy for John Stewart!
So after I fill him in on the Hollywood gossip, that he will get by being forced to watch The Soup on Friday nights anyway, he tries to fill me in on current events...which ends up being verbal valium to me and as effective as Unisom...cue the sheep...the Vixen's fallin asleep.

My other tagline is a footnote.

I walked in on my little cousin one Easter and caught him yelling at his Easter basket. "Aaaahhhhhhhh"..."Aaaahhhhhhhh" I asked him "what are you DOING?!?"

He said he's just giving a 'shout out' to his peeps.

Ok, that wasn't actually MY joke, I stole it from a comedian's stand up last Friday.

Anyway, the start of spring is here and I for one am glad for it. We are going to be doing some traveling starting in a few weeks and this spring/summer should prove to be fun. In a couple of weeks Mike and I are going to the Hill Country YO Ranch on a 'ride'.

This means Mike and I will be joining a group of hard core Harley tough guys (and their cute wives) on a ride thru the Hill Country...following in the convertible of course, which is about as big as a Fat Boy Harley anyway. A nice ride thru hill country, partying all night and hanging out with a bunch of friends. I'm very excited!

Memorial Day will be the next trip. After being asked several times and never being able to make it, we are finally going to Lake Travis. I have never been. I've lived in Texas almost all my life and have never been to Lake Travis. There are going to be themes for each day...awesome! I'm working on my 'costumes' now. Gotta find a good seamstress to jazz up some things.

Since the new additions, swimsuits haven't really been fitting right so I have to replace all of them. It's only my second summer with them, and I didn't do much sun bathing last year, so the bathing suit collection has suffered pitifully.

So in talking to two of the beauties going to Lake Travis, they both were talking about 'OMG, I'm so jiggly' or 'I need to hit the gym hard'....I almost threw up. These two have the tightest little bodies of any chicks I know, the third lady going out with us is also a tight body, but I didn't even want to talk to her in fear of losing my lunch.

*random inner thought* Wait...that may help in my method to get super skinny really fast. Nah, I don't like upchucking. I could never have an eating disorder. I love food, so the Olsen Twin diet is out....and I don't like throwing up. Maybe I'll do it the Hollywood way. Eat all I want, just don't swallow.

So anyway, these two have nothing jiggly, and I'm not fat by any means...yet I was the one getting the cellulite treatment on my legs yesterday. It was like a rapid fire hammer that broke things up. Yes, I'm working out and seeing a difference little by little...but it can't hurt to try something out right? So LFC and NVW, be nice when you see me in a swimsuit...or I'll make you walk the plank on Lake Travis. Arrr Matey!

Next trip is North Carolina for Mike's family reunion with his Yankee side of the family. I've already been warned that they drink a lot. I should fit riiiight in. We are staying in a big fat 3 story beach house that sleeps like a hundred people. Actually more like 20, but still pretty damn big. I'll be in a swimsuit the whole time while Mike is trying to break his neck on a surf board because he hasn't figured out that he's 31 years old and so is his body. He can't play softball without getting hurt.

Which reminds me...with the upcoming trips involving swimsuits, I need to get him back in the gym...fast!