Friday Funnies.

Luke...I am your mother

Hover Dogs. Get yours today!

CatZilla is plotting to poop in your shoes

I am correct in assuming the the roadrunner got away again?

Mr. Jokey Joke Maker

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Dream a Little Dream (and wake up screaming)

My paper is due any minute now and my partner has already given me his part of the assignment. He's counting on me to add my 'two cents' worth, aka, 10 pages of double spaced typed essay about an assignment that I didn't read up on. I'm NEVER like this. I always get my homework done. Granted, I'm a master of procrastination, but I have to finish up this paper, and do a power point presentation on it. I need a diversion.

I figure I'll have some time later before class to whip it out. I work well under pressure anyway and I can bullshit my way out of a lot of stuff. Yes, even a ten page essay. Mr. B, my CEO is yelling that the car is about to leave and we gotta go, NOW. I ran downstairs and all my other classmates are already in the car. This car is crazy! It's a long purple angry looking limo with red flames emblazoned on the side. It look more like the Addams Family car.

At the driver's seat of this beast is my CEO. "What the hell is HE doing driving this thing? He's wrecked so many cars already...who would give him the keys to anything but a Vespa?"

Demon car, but then again, look who's driving.

I climbed into the car and we took off for the school....I'm trying to get something accomplished on the way. Hard to balance a laptop and a bunch of papers in a bouncy limo with Mr. B driving. We get there and as everyone is setting up their laptops for their presentations. Where the hell is my partner? He just hands me his stuff and expects me to do the rest? @sshole. I'll bet he's ooh and ahhing over some Christmas decorations that are being put up in the lobby.

It's nobody's fault but my own. I hung out with my friends all weekend and put this off. Now I'm in trouble. I tried to wiggle around information in a powerpoint that I had done before to use for THIS presentation. I know I won't be fooling anyone in class, but the professor hasn't seen it right? So it'll be new to him.

The scene rewinds over and over. I never get to the point of actually turning in a paper (but I did find out that the presentation was not required). Just the stress involved leading up to it. I wake up in a cold sweat each time. By the time 9am comes along, I'm exhausted despite the series of cat naps I'd taken all night long.

What a sense of relief! I have no paper to turn in...I have no partner, and I'm not working on an essay. Even in my dreams I can't get away from school...or work. (CEO should NOT be driving...not even in my dreams)

I told Michael about it as soon as I woke up. I always think dreams have an interpretation and I asked him "What do you think my dream means?"

"It means you were asleep, Vixen."

Thank you Captain Obvious.

No more homework, no more books. No more teachers dirty looks

I have successfully finished my undergrad. For you slackers with advanced degrees, (Thomas) I know this isn't a big deal since it was only your first stop. (I still have 2 electives, but the hard part is over)

For me, it's a huge accomplishment. I'm almost 30 years old. For the past three years, I've gone to school non stop with an occasional holiday giving me a little short lived relief. Even though we had Spring Break and Christmas off, there was still homework to be done for the next week.

School has been a major, but quiet, part of my life. I've balanced a full time job, full time school and managed not to strangle my boyfriend and vice versa, in the process. I've given up social events to focus on a project (but not many, ha!). I have procrastinated until the last minute because I work better under pressure. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow. I've written a lot of fabulous papers half drunk because a bottle of wine was the only way to get thru the dryness of some of the subjects. And I will graduate in May, Summa Cum Laude with a 3.97 GPA. I refused to half ass it.

I look back at everything that has happened while I was in school:

• About three years ago, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he didn't love me anymore. (I lost 15 pounds in two months)
• I was promoted with additional responsiblities
• My mother in Alaska died
• I lost a best friend
• My brother went to Iraq twice
• My company spun off and I got even more responsibilities
• I got a new car
• I had boobs installed
• I bought a house

And I did not miss a day of school because of these life events. I'd occasionally skip a day or two just because I didn't want to go, but that was in the first year. I didn't dare skip during the core curriculum.

Was I stressed? Hell yeah. I thought all my hair was going to fall out. I sat at home last night watching tv shows that I have not been able to watch for three years. I told Michael it was strange being home and not at school. He said it felt strange having me there. I guess his other girlfriend comes over on Tuesdays. LOL.

I wanted to toot my own horn for a second because a lot of people don't know this about me...and maybe they don't care. Most people think I'm a silly directionless nut. And that's ok. I know where you live. And if you did know all this, well, I'm telling you again. I'm proud of my accomplishments and for those who are thinking about going back to school: the relief, sense of accomplishment and excitement of finishing a long journey like this is worth it.

People go thru this everyday, so I know it's not a monumental event to some people...but it's my blog, so shut the f*ck up. hahahahahaha!

You may be right, I may be crazy. But I just may be the lunatic you're looking for.

On The Chopping Block This Week:

• One of the three Fates, the one that looks like a linebacker
• Lips
• SweetnLow (gasp, who saw that coming?)

The start of the night was uneventful. The girls had to compete for a private date by singing an italian aria. Made MY ears bleed. The line backer won the contest. They go on a one on one date to an opera house...mind you...it's an empty opera house. She's wearing a red ball gown and $2 MILLION dollars (insert pinky at corner of mouth Dr. Evil style) worth of jewels. On loan compliments of ABC. He makes her sing her aria, and then a real opera signer comes out. Now this opera singer is GOOD...but he looks like some mafia guy from Miami Vice in the 80's. Nice feathered hair. The Italians have not caught up with fashion and are stuck in 80's hairdo's at this time.

They get up to dance and it's like watching two 8th graders dancing with someone for the first time. ummm, AWKWARD. Even I had to look away...or get up to get some ice cream. So they are sitting on the couch in the middle of the opera house and he tells her that he can't give her the rose because he felt like he was talking to his best friend, and not really attracted to her in 'that way'. I honestly think that her size scared him and he wants someone more feminine. She seems to be one of those girls who plays co-ed softball and flag football with the guys. Some guys dig it, some guys don't. So she goes home. Straight to the airport in her gown. YEOWCH!

yes, he got the jewels back though. don't worry.

next day, ho hum, 6 girls go on a group date with him. To a vineyard. I think it was just to fill time. The only part funny was that the tree hugger was whining that it's not romantic being with 5 other girls and a guy. But she was whining to the girls. The girl I call Bubbles confessed to the camera that she wanted to hurl her off the balcony. yeah, tree hugger keeps throwing that "I got the rose first" in everyone's face. (She also got the first kiss...yipee) But at the rose ceremony she was the next to last one to get one. Take THAT Biotch! Oh, and Skipper Barbie revealed to the prince that she is a virgin. I'd have mixed feelings about that. It's every guys dream to have a virgin, but then you don't know if she's going to be a cold fish. I'd want someone experienced myself. I don't want to have to teach anyone "tricks".

Now to my favorite...a date with the prince, Bella and the beloved SweetnLow. They didn't show much of it, but the prince said in not so many words that he thought SweetnLow was bipolar and sent her extension flipping tail home. I was upset because she was the most interesting part of the group. With her flipping her ratted out extensions (seriously, don't they have a stylist on staff?)...and her talking about they are perfect for each other because they both come from wealthy backgrounds. That's a recipe for love dontcha know?

Bella and the prince then stood on the balcony and shared a moment. Fireworks started going off in front of the balcony and it scared the beejeezus outta her. She spilled her wine and probably wet her pants at the same time. It was so funny I have to rewind it and watch it again. They shared a kiss, that was MUCH better than the one with tree hugger. Watch out for those italian women! Tree hugger doesn't have a chance after that kiss. Who wants vanilla megawatt smilling girl when he can have a spicy meatball like Bella?

But, it is The Bachelor. He'll pick the one that is the most boring. It happens every time.

For my SweetnLow-ism for this blog, she tells us that Bella has an easier time understanding her when she's talking because she speaks slowly and with an italian accent. WHAT?!?! SweetnLow does NOT have an italian accent, she's from Houston and has a Houston/Paris Hilton twang. Then they show a clip of them saying their good nights to each other and there it is...the "accent". But it's not an accent. She's speaking in broken english...which is stupid. She tells Bella, "I go sleep now." "I see in morning" I give her the slow hand clap. Bravo.

Not to fret fans of SweetnLow. Next week, because things are a little slow, and the producers LOVE her, she comes back. That's right, the bitch is back and she's pitting the girls against each other. Finally, a little excitement. I want to see people cry and catfight. I want emotional scarring and drama. In my humble opinion, she is a few fries short of a happy meal, but she make great tv. I think she was probably "in" on the whole thing from the beginning. The mole in the group if you will. I don't think SweetnLow was too sad about leaving. She is probably being setup in a nice Roman hotel with maids and room service. Ahhh, home sweet home.

Either way, I am glad the producers kept her on as an instigator. I'm rubbing my hands with glee at all the evil that will be inflicted. This game is too easy...spice it up! I'm glad Lips went home. Every rose ceremony she would look all watery and pouty. Who wants that around all the time? Made Michael cringe everytime they showed her.

I think I watched too much Flavor Flav so I expect more drama. But with SweetnLow back next week and nothing to lose, this should be good.

Producer's Pet

Good thing for everyone that I didn't give ALL the girls nicknames. Of the three that went home, I only gave one a name. I figured she'd go farther.

The Roadkill Posse:
Beyonce
The girl who slipped in unnoticed, Ellen
One of the three fates, Kim

I think Beyonce went home because the bachelor may not be open to 'mixed' relationships. She's Canadian, he's American...it's taboo ya'll.

It's a shame Kim was sent home. I had a great name for her after yesterday's episode: Slurricane. This girl got SO trashed that as she's talking to the camera, she says "I'm going to throw up". She doesn't, which sucks...that would have been great! The best part was when she slowly slides out of the frame and falls flat onto the reflective panel that a guy was holding (its to control the lighting for the shot). Apparently, she, like a raccoon is attracted to shiny things. PHLUNCK! Nothin' but class. Give that girl another cocktail.

This poor thing passed out on the beach, and when they woke her up...it was like you had a front row seat to a Margot Kidder/Anne Heche freak out. She thought the bachelor was the waiter. Another Mai Tai Jose!

SweetnLow, my favorite for all the wrong reasons displayed some of the funniest fake acting I have ever seen. And I've seen a lot, hell, I've done a lot of bad acting myself. She actually told the host that there were no maids and she can't live like that. Like, Oh My Gaw! She solved her problem though...this demented creature realized she could just "hire" one of the other girls to clean up after her. PERFECT! (Clapping hands ecstatically and jumping up and down) It will be sad when the producers decide it is time for the show to be serious and let the Paris-wannabe go home.

I think Bubbles just walked into the wrong room when they were interviewing for this show. She was looking for Flavor of Love and ended up on a plane to Rome. Easy lay, but not someone you take home to mom...or let feed your pet hamster for that matter. Well, maybe the hamster, but NEVER the cat. I'm not letting her loose around a free range animal.

The tree hugger is just annoying now. She's got such a big head now because she got the first rose that I don't see how she fits into the doorway. She's not the dominant femme fatale she thinks she is and she prances around like this is all a formality and she has it in the bag. This is the same girl who has 10 months to find a husnbad and have a baby on her time schedule she set out for herself. She's Charlotte from Sex in The City neurotic.

On the downside, there are way too many damn commercials. It took 20 minutes to watch an hour show. Thank you DVR!

Last week's preview teased that someone would 'lose it' and is obsessed with the bachelor. The only person obsessed is SweetnLow with her reflection. Nothing happened. Whatever. I'm pissed. They really need to show more of our beloved SweentnLow princess (who by the way, wears a tiara ALL THE TIME! Excellent).

If the show doesn't pick up and become more dramatic (ie catfights, ridiculous drinking binges and crazy b!tches) I'm just going to have to re-evaluate my recaps and just go with SweetnLow-isms. Everything that comes out of her mouth is pure gold. Click the link, she compares herself to Princess Di, and Belle from Beauty and the Beast...but thinks it's about a princess who just wants to live on land. (Ahem, that would be the Little Mermaid) Pure GOLD!

When In Rome II, don't chase the pigeons.

Ok, so at the request (albeit bossy command) of Fe, I'll do a review every week. Please keep in mind that I'm a Bachelor virgin. I haven't figured out the 'formula' yet. But at least it should keep the blood running thru the veins of this blog when I don't have anything else to post. Plus all the veteran Bachelor addicts will laugh and point at my ignorance of the show's formula and obvious teaser giveaways:

"The girl who gets the ring has the same nails as (insert girls name here)...it HAS to be her."

This I promise to all who read...I will tell you who got booted off FIRST thing. I won't break for commericals or drag it out. BAM! Here's who got sent home...then I'll trash her. It's the reality show way.

In the end, it's not who wins (because they'll break up anyway) but it is the hilarious, twisted and psycho journey that gets us there.Oh, and I'm changing Houston girl's name to SweetnLow. I got blank stares last night from friends when I called her Saccharin. Apparently some people don't know what it is. Losers.

When in Rome...

Oh my. We watched The Bachelor:Rome last night. Thank goodness we Tivo'ed it. That's entertainment that will keep on giving. We have made up nicknames for most of these girls, because it's just too hard to keep up with their names. Here's my personal recap:


The first impression chick. We'll call her Tree Hugger. She's cute.


This one I call Lips. She was constantly doing that "I'm drunk but I'm going to pooch out my lips to make me feel sexy." snarl. It looked more like she found something that smelled really interesting on her top lip. Yeah, that's sexy...you go girl.


Meet Bugs. In all her interviews, she bugs her eyes out. You could see her entire pupils and iris surrounded by the white part of her eyes. Put em back in girl, I don't want to have to catch those things if they pop out.


Oh geez, where did they find this train wreck, River Oaks? I could go on about this lady I call 'Saccharin' but there is only so much time in a day. I call her Saccharin because she is the fake imitation version of Paris Hilton...and not nearly as appealing. It was obvious her mother was expecting them to knock on the door. How many women wear a semi formal dress and jewels in the middle of the day? This girl is going to provide me with a lot of ammunition. "I flew coach for you" and constantly flipping her hair (extensions) was really funny. THIS is how Houstonians are represented. Funny thing is, I've NEVER seen her in the hot spots of Houston. Sorry honey, the KC crew does not recognize you, move to the end of the line...you can't get in. She doesn't have issues, she has subscriptions. Oh, and she's a little pudgy. Had to throw that in there.


Ah, Bubbles. She reminds me of the one chick from Flavor of Love. Doesn't she know that guys dig women with long hair? Not many guys go for the 'spunky' look.


These are all the same chick. I'm sure of it.
I'll call them the Three Fates.


This is Bella. She's Italian, sexy, has an awesome accent and she threw a kink into everything. Plus her language barrier is just soooo cute. The reaction of the other women made me laugh, so I give her props. She's one of my favorites.


This Canadian beauty is Beyonce. She kinda looks black, but not. It’ll be nice to see a little flavor up in the castle. The prince will defintely 'check up on it'.


This is Skipper Barbie. She’s cute, charming, sweet and my pick to win it. Unless she ends up being the crazy chick next week. Then I’ll review my choices.


This one slipped past the goalie. She was a bit invisible and a surprise to me. I'll call her the Flash.

At the end of the day, this Roman prince (or whatever he is) has his hands full. I never really watched the Bachelor, but when he had to make his choice and was faced with all the headshots…I couldn’t resist. I yelled out “FLAAAAAVOR FLAAAAAAV!”



Disclaimer: All photos are from ABC.com's website...not my own personal stash of headshots of random women.