Dressing Rooms: Fun House Mirrors of Horror

Have you gone into a dressing room to try on a bunch of neat stuff you find only to leave in disgust because you can’t get past how horrible your legs looked in the shorts? Or that your stomach ballooned out somehow between the time it took to pick out a bikini and trying it on? I was convinced I couldn’t possibly be in that bad of shape…

I’ve figured out the culprit: Lighting in the dressing rooms.

Hear me out. I was shopping at lunch and I noticed that my legs and ass didn’t look near as bad as I thought. Especially compared to other dressing rooms. The harsh fluorescent lighting in most stores accentuates EVERY lump on my body. How many times have I tried on a pair of shorts or a bikini in all my years only to walk out because it looked like crap in the dressing room? MANY. A lot of stores have lost a lot of sales because they fail to put the extra effort into lighting.

Note to clothing retailers: Invest in something that will actually make a difference like good lighting, instead of sending me mountain of coupons I can only use on the 32nd day of Neveruary for a 5% discount if I spend $100.

If I feel good about buying that lime green and orange bikini because I look phenomenal in it while in the dressing room….then you’ve done your job retailers. Because so far, you suck at this marketing thing.

I don’t have a beach body. I have more of a doughy lake body. Aim for THAT market, b!tches!

Three Years Later...I'm back

I just found my blog again and am giving it a little love. I need to get warmed up to blogging again.

I read all my old blogs and texted Fefa, "I used to be pretty f*cking funny!" She hasn't responded. I think she's trying to find the funny in my old posts.

There wouldn't be a population problem if we didn't push popularity so much

I bought my new monster LCD television for my bedroom this weekend and on the way home, my roommate and I had a the following conversation:

Amber: I wonder what I'm going to wear tonight?
Nick: Well, clothes would be good.
Amber: (sigh) I know...this isn't South Beach after all.
Nick: (laughing) Amber, we have to be able to get into the place.
Amber: Trust me, we'd still get in.
Nick: (silence)

He hasn't figured out when I'm kidding and when I'm serious.

Another conversation, same day:

A guy walks into a bar...stands next to his girlfriend...who is VERY surprised to see him there. Girlfriend turns around to a cute guy in the group and says "He's not my boyfriend"

You know who you are :-)

This is why I keep a diary. I can't make this stuff up!! Well, i could...but that would be a waste of social experiments. And we all know, I'm a big fan of conducting my own social experiments.

Wanted: Slumpbuster

Yes, I know what a slumpbuster is, but it's not what I really mean. I need some blog material...thus a slumpbuster for blogger's block.

Geri said that I have a lot of material to pull from since I've had a rather crazy summer. A lot of changes going on and I did a lot of fun stuff and some naughty. However, a lot of what I've done could get me and a lot of people in trouble. So obviously I'm going to keep it all to myself. I have a diary in my nightstand. If anything ever happens to me, someone burn it. Seriously. It could destroy lives. Look what it's done to me.

One thing I've learned about myself. I hate being 'setup' by friends. One of my friends, Mark, who has known me for years...YEARS people...found out I was single again. O.M.G. he had the perfect guy for me. An engineer at a big oil company downtown, great guy, good looking blah blah blah. Pumped me up right? Well, my boss worked for the big oil company a while back so I had the stud 'checked out'. The contact person actually said to my boss that she didn't know he dated women. WTF?!!? Oh hell no. If co-workers are questioning your orientation...no thanks. I want a guy kind of guy. Not someone who knows more about decor and fashion than I do. I fake the fashion plate knowledge a lot and have to check with Posey on a couple things.

So anyway, I let the issue die with my Mark. I hint around to some of my other friends in that circle that I'm not ready to date. Whew, that was a close one. Just when I think I'm in the clear a few weeks later, he calls and wants me to meet this guy. Ok, now I'm pissed. Not only does he know I'm not wanting to date, I'm having this guy crammed down my throat. (watch the dirty minds here folks) I don't wanna and I'm throwing a fit and stamping my feet in my office trying to get out of it.

"Fine. FINE! I'll go. I'll meet you at Pub Fiction, but I can't stay long since I have Yoga at 8."

I'm dedicated to my yoga. Plus that one hot guy at the gym is a real incentive. There are several, but I'm stalking one. Hmmm, conveinent that you want to use the same machine....uh even though there are about 20 other treadmills....I want THIS one too.

I walk in. (To Pub Fiction, not the gym. ha!) The guy is my height and probably my weight. Yeah, he's lookin a wee bit weak. It was like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of the guy. I don't do shy men. He notices my new pink Razr, and sees the photo of my cat. He says "Wow, I feel a sneezing attack coming on just thinking about cats. I'm so allergic!" That's it! That's my out. I don't date weenies allergic to cats. And I bolt.

So I go on a date not too long ago. He asks me,

"Do I look familiar?"

"No, why? Are you famous or something?"

"No, I was dating your friend (name deleted) a while back and saw you at a party."

Stony silence and me just staring at him.

"Ah crap"

So that was the end of that date.

I'm moving to Austin or something. I'm not having any luck here.

The Ex-Factor

so it turns out that i have issues...wait let me re-phrase, not issues, i have subscriptions. i got an out-of-the-blue call from my ex-husband today. he needed some information from me like which catholic church i was baptised at and what year. he has to get our marriage annulled before he can join the catholic church. cool! that means i don't have to feel guilty about checking the 'single' box instead of the 'divorced' box every time i go to the doctor or have to fill out random forms. bonus! my first question was 'do i have to change my name back to my maiden name?' i would have been very sad if i had to. :)

so i hang up the phone and just lost it. i mean, i have been divorced for 7 years now and my ex doesn't phase me in the least. it's done, it's over, i have no feelings towards the guy. what made me upset is that i am officially a loser. chevy pepped me up and said "You’re like the hottest, smartest, best-dressed, fun single girl I know!" but i find it disheartening that an overweight workaholic cop can find love yet i'm constantly getting dumped or no one wants to really hold on to me, unless they are obsessive, possessive or just plain nuts.

then my friend 'dr. monica' nailed down what my problem was. i specialize in seeking out non-committal men. i feel so guilty about leaving my hubby way back when that i don't think i deserve a guy who will give 100%. it's like i literally attract the non-committing types of guys. i think it's true to some point. looking back at my track record, i seek out the men that are emotionally unavailable. they are like honey to me. i zoom in on those guys right away. i can spot them in a crowd and i start migrating towards them. i sabotage myself by getting involved with people that i know have a relationship shelf life.

so i'm going to try to break my cycle. i'm not ready to date obviously because i'm still hauling baggage around. there's nothing cute about a hot girl with baggage...and we all agree, i'm hot.

so i'm in limbo. it's nice to have someone by my side, but i know i'm just going to get involved with some dude who will leave in two years because he's bored and that's how he operates. i'll just watch movies with my cats. they are the only men who haven't left me yet.

wow, this was a sad post. i'll try to think of some clever and fun stuff to say next time. today just isn't my day. but i'm going to see the bad boys of rock tonight with my friends, so i'm very stoked about that!

I had nothing else to post after the one year anniversary of my blog...

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider havingsex with? Who doesn't? I mean really?

2. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?I'm a grizzly bear in the morning, sky rocket in flight afternoon delight is not appealing to me, so I'm going to go with door number 3 Bob. Night Sex. But I can be persuaded.

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?The entire bed. I have a big king size all to my self. I have a cat on one side, a cat on the other and a big stuffed dog that sleeps by my feet. Yes, I know he's not real, but he makes me feel protected.

4. Pork, beef, or chicken???Where's the Beef.

5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?Haha! Have you ever been to La Strada?

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?I take them off for free at Geraldine's pool...or SoBe. Posey is a bad influence on me.

7. Shower or bath?both...well not at the same time. I have a shower stall and a separate jacuuzi tub. My house is pimp!

8. Do you pee in the shower?Only in the mornings or if someone is in there with me and I TOTALLY wish they'd leave already.

9. Mexican or Chinese?Mexican. I love the cheese!

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bedAggressive. Bite me! heehee...

11. Do you love someone on your top friends?All of them in different ways.

12. Not sure where this one is.

13. Love or moneYRight now, I'm going for money. Love hasn't gotten me anywhere lately...but ask me in a few months. I may be singing a different tune by then.

14. Credit cards or cash?Cash. Credit cards are for emergency (new tires) only.

15. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?Say wha...? Family is family, no matter how jacked up they are.

16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?Depends on the location. Camping in Paris, France would be dumb, and a 5 star hotel in New Braunfels just doesn't exist.

17.Vagina?I know you are but what am I?

18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)?Everything but my head. I love my hair. I'm no Britney Spears.

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?I don't think so. I try to stay away from them. I'm WAY hotter than those chicks and don't want to get my ass beat if they think I'm coming to take away their pole dancin' time.

20. Ever been to a bar? The more important questions is, do I ever LEAVE a bar?

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?Nope. My friends did, but whatever, I still had a full drink. I wasn't going anywhere.

22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhereNot carried, but assisted, yes...I don't get THAT bad.

23. Kissed someone of the same sex?No. I like the men.

24. Thrown up from drinking too much? Again, have you been to La Strada?

25. Had sex in a car?Who hasn't?

26. had sex in a movie theater?No way. It's gross in there.

27. Had sex in bathroom?Public no, mine yes...airplane...not yet. It's on my list of things to do.

28. Had sex at work?NO! Never get your meat where you get your bread. End of story.

29. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?Many times. Usually buying gifts for uh, my friend...yeah. that's it.

30. Bought something from an adult store?See answer above. Ok fine. Yes, I have. But the really good stuff comes from AdamEve.com.

31. Have you been caught having sex?I almost got busted afterwards. 5 minutes and I would have been in TROUBLE!!!

32. Have you ever kissed a stranger?Everyone is strange to me.

33. Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Nothing nude, but I do have some naughty ones.

Maybe you should lie down.

So imagine me standing in Babies R Us...open mouthed and gaping at what I like to call "baby stuff overload". There’s bottles and boppy’s and terry cloths galore. I got a little over stimulated and had to sit down.

There are a lot of women in our office having babies, so when a baby shower comes up, I always have the same method. I run to the nearest Target and figure I’ll just grab a few things really quick. PULEEZE! There isn’t much at Target to choose from, but I am lost when I venture into ‘baby zone’. Even the people at Target can read my vapid expression and ask “Can I help you with something?” I am NEVER offered help in Target. I am a self possessed and confident shopper. But the baby section is my kryptonite. Sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to be shopping for someone else. I find really nice soft chenille baby blankets in pink and green and I have to suppress the urge to buy myself one. I have mentioned before about my ‘one for me, one for you’ shopping strategy. And I know what you are thinking; would I really use the blanket? Are you kidding me? I’m a blanket junkie. Just ask Mike. As we settle in for our nightly television fix, he’ll bring my pink princess blanket for me. Not because I’m cold, I just like having it. It’s my security blanket. Call me Linus.

So anyway, getting back to Babies R Us, I had to go shopping there because I have an uber fabulous friend who is building her very own human (as she puts it). This is different, because obviously, I LIKE her. I like my co-workers too…but it’s more of an obligation thing at the office. Friends are different. Don’t be surprised if I walk in with a huge giraffe and quip something like ‘I got one for myself too”…because I will be telling the truth. But Babies R Us is much bigger than Target. Everything is for babies. Duh “Babies R Us”…for us biological clock challenged women, it’s a daunting experience.

Size 0-3…WTF does THAT mean? I’m a size 0-3 and I know I can’t fit into that cute onesie that reads ‘Daddy’s Little Stinker” And then there’s the popular Boppy. Apparently it’s for breastfeeding. It’s literally a cushioned floatie looking thing that you wrap around your ribcage and lay the baby on to breastfeed. Nice. Tray tables are now locked in their down position and it’s feedin’ time! It looks like a great idea. I could totally pimp one out with sparkly accessories and use it as a personal martini holding, remote resting, cell phone wielding activity center for adults.

There are so many different bottles and nipples that I had no idea what to get. I couldn’t find what was on the registry because I started feeling dizzy and saw nipples swimming in front of me. Now I know what a gay man feels like at Mardi Gras. I personally only have two nipples, and I don’t know what brand they are. Mine are ergonomic and all natural. Take THAT Gerber! But I understand the need to make these things as comfortable as possible for babies. I imagine mothers do not want to spend any more time than necessary being a human chew toy. Once that kid gets her first tooth, that’s it! They’re off the knockers and on to bottles.

I almost want to have a kid just to get the cool stuff. But with my luck, I’ll have a projectile spit up kid and everything in my house will look like we have a flock of condors living in the house dropping bombs. I already have two avid hair ball chuckers in the house. I don’t think my carpet could take any more.