Maybe you should lie down.

So imagine me standing in Babies R Us...open mouthed and gaping at what I like to call "baby stuff overload". There’s bottles and boppy’s and terry cloths galore. I got a little over stimulated and had to sit down.

There are a lot of women in our office having babies, so when a baby shower comes up, I always have the same method. I run to the nearest Target and figure I’ll just grab a few things really quick. PULEEZE! There isn’t much at Target to choose from, but I am lost when I venture into ‘baby zone’. Even the people at Target can read my vapid expression and ask “Can I help you with something?” I am NEVER offered help in Target. I am a self possessed and confident shopper. But the baby section is my kryptonite. Sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to be shopping for someone else. I find really nice soft chenille baby blankets in pink and green and I have to suppress the urge to buy myself one. I have mentioned before about my ‘one for me, one for you’ shopping strategy. And I know what you are thinking; would I really use the blanket? Are you kidding me? I’m a blanket junkie. Just ask Mike. As we settle in for our nightly television fix, he’ll bring my pink princess blanket for me. Not because I’m cold, I just like having it. It’s my security blanket. Call me Linus.

So anyway, getting back to Babies R Us, I had to go shopping there because I have an uber fabulous friend who is building her very own human (as she puts it). This is different, because obviously, I LIKE her. I like my co-workers too…but it’s more of an obligation thing at the office. Friends are different. Don’t be surprised if I walk in with a huge giraffe and quip something like ‘I got one for myself too”…because I will be telling the truth. But Babies R Us is much bigger than Target. Everything is for babies. Duh “Babies R Us”…for us biological clock challenged women, it’s a daunting experience.

Size 0-3…WTF does THAT mean? I’m a size 0-3 and I know I can’t fit into that cute onesie that reads ‘Daddy’s Little Stinker” And then there’s the popular Boppy. Apparently it’s for breastfeeding. It’s literally a cushioned floatie looking thing that you wrap around your ribcage and lay the baby on to breastfeed. Nice. Tray tables are now locked in their down position and it’s feedin’ time! It looks like a great idea. I could totally pimp one out with sparkly accessories and use it as a personal martini holding, remote resting, cell phone wielding activity center for adults.

There are so many different bottles and nipples that I had no idea what to get. I couldn’t find what was on the registry because I started feeling dizzy and saw nipples swimming in front of me. Now I know what a gay man feels like at Mardi Gras. I personally only have two nipples, and I don’t know what brand they are. Mine are ergonomic and all natural. Take THAT Gerber! But I understand the need to make these things as comfortable as possible for babies. I imagine mothers do not want to spend any more time than necessary being a human chew toy. Once that kid gets her first tooth, that’s it! They’re off the knockers and on to bottles.

I almost want to have a kid just to get the cool stuff. But with my luck, I’ll have a projectile spit up kid and everything in my house will look like we have a flock of condors living in the house dropping bombs. I already have two avid hair ball chuckers in the house. I don’t think my carpet could take any more.