Workin up a Black Sweat...

I wonder what Prince looks like without his makeup and hair fixed?

Do you ladies notice that if we go into a bathroom stall and find an unflushed toilet, we just yell “EW” and go to another stall? As if that toilet is contaminated…

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts? Someone’s making a profit.

Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?'

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?

If in doubt, mumble.

Madness takes its toll. Please deposit exact change.

Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.

Support your local medical examiner: die strangely!

Guns don’t kill people. People do. But I think the gun helps, you know?

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.